Grit & Grace: Finding Your Quiet

Grit & Grace: Finding Your Quiet

"When you finally win the battle against cancer, the world hands you your life back and tells you to go live it. But what no one prepares you for is that life isn’t normal anymore."

 

Just as the body gets sick, the mind can get sick too. Long after the treatments end, you are left with the quiet, exhausting aftershock, the racing thoughts about recurrence, managing new ailments caused by the very treatments that saved you, fighting chemo brain, and facing a calendar still cluttered with doctor visits and scans. You fought to live, and now you find yourself continuously fighting smaller battles just to survive. It is a secondary battle called survivorship.

 

In the beginning, I desperately searched for a way to obtain peace from those racing thoughts—a true escape. What I discovered is that peace wasn’t something that just happened to me; it was something I had to actively pursue. I had to find ways to shut out the noise, relax, and truly live. I found my sanctuary in places I would have never imagined exploring.

 

I decided to ride a motorcycle across the United States listening to Hip Hop music, touring different cities to see the sites I’d always dreamed of. On the open highway, you have no choice but to focus intensely on the road ahead and I found that focus to be a beautiful, meditative distraction from my anxiety. Even better, I discovered a massive, diverse world within the motorcycle community. I met doctors, lawyers, pastors, actors, veterans, and couples just out enjoying life. It is a culture complete with its own ministries, travel groups, support systems, and massive charity work. Like any community, you pick what you get involved in, but stepping into that world gave me a profound sense of freedom. No one can tell me not to ride, and no one can stop me when I decide to.

 

I designed my own neuroscience obstacle course for the human brain. Do you know how hard it is to rap to hip hop music? The attempt to rap is a great exercise for memory recall, processing, and coordination that helped me combat memory decline obtained during my cancer journey. Who would’ve thought a prissy, nerdy, middle-aged woman would find such enjoyment as Hip Hop music!

 

I also turned to the kitchen, collecting recipes from Pinterest and experimenting. Somewhere between measuring flour and testing flavors, I found my niche: I became a baker. Today, people constantly tell me I should sell my desserts, but turning it into a business feels stressful—and this chapter of my life is about peace. Instead, I bake decadent cakes from the heart, only when my spirit says to, giving them as gifts. These cakes have become a beautiful talking point and a powerful way to bond with others. There is nothing quite like hearing someone ask, "When are you going to show me some love and bake me one of your cakes?"

 

I found immense joy in immersing myself in my children’s worlds. My oldest daughter, Kay, is a Fashion Executive whose expertise centers around modeling, hair, and makeup artistry. Traveling from city to city to dress up and catch her shows has been an absolute joy. The fashion scene is a completely different world. The models are happy-spirited, carefree, confident, and loving. That kind of energy is contagious; it fills the room and makes you feel beautiful and important just by being near it; and to that community, I have a very special identity that I wear with pride: I am simply "Kay’s Mom."

 

Finally, I found a deep, grounding peace by working with the Abdominal Cancers Alliance, helping other survivors voice their stories. What we endured to get to this point of survivorship can inspire someone else to keep fighting. By offering my talents to assist with spreading the word about research, self-advocacy for treatment, and survivorship, I found a community of people who truly understand. We know the shared anxiety of the next scan, but we also share a fierce desire to live happily.

 

If there is one thing survivors share, it’s that we tend to appreciate life just a little bit more. We know the cost of every breath. Finding peace doesn't mean the fears completely disappear. It means you choose to build a life so full of passion, community, and joy that the fear no longer gets to be the loudest voice in the room. Whether it's on the open highway, in the warmth of a kitchen baking cakes while belting out rap songs, or in the reflection of giving back, go find what shuts out the noise. You fought for this life. Now, allow yourself to live it.